Closed Doors and Open Windows

Change.

Change is the one constant.

 Change is inevitable. Change is unavoidable. Change is necessary. Change is important.

 Change can really mess with you if you are an addict because it upsets the balance of things. If you get your worth from your control of your circumstances or from your ability to manipulate others, change can send you spiraling out of control.

 The cycle of sexual addiction allows you to seemingly control the one thing from which you derive a vast majority of your self-worth. As you move away from the captivity of that cycle, it’s imperative to focus the measurement of personal worth on the things that should be in the place of primary importance in your life… like your relationship with God, family and friendships, healthy activities and personal wellness.  It takes some time, but you can retrain your brain to derive its sense of balance and control from these things rather than your compulsive behaviors. The control and value you thought you had in the midst of that self destructive cycle was only an illusion anyway.

 This post is going to be a bit longer, so please bear with me to the end. This is a culmination of several months’ experiences, and it just doesn’t break down any other way. I can’t cut it into parts, because it loses something… it’s a whole-to-part/part-to-whole equation that’s required by the “big picture.”

 For twenty years of my life, I’ve focused on one thing: moving toward ministry as a vocation. When I got my degree in education, I really believed it was one step in a process that would eventually lead me to a full-time position at a church somewhere. Along the way, there have been multiple part-time positions on a variety of church staff and even more volunteer positions serving children’s ministry, students, college and career, men’s ministry, divorced adults, and worship/drama ministries.

 My experiences over the last year and a half have led me to focus on recovery and restoration, looking for ways I could serve through counseling or men’s ministry. I mentioned earlier this year that I applied for an associate Campus Pastor position with our church—which is a recovery church—and I really believed that now that I had experienced healing and restoration, this was the position for which God had been preparing me over the last twenty years. I believed that this would be the door through which I would enter into my calling and fulfill everything I believed I was meant to accomplish.

 That door closed, however, when I got the call telling me a current staff member would be filling that position. I was devastated and spent a month or so struggling through… this, to me, was the death of everything I’d been working toward over the last two decades.

 I mentioned that we (my wife and I) were working with our church’s counseling ministry to develop a support group for couples who are experiencing the destruction the sexual addiction can wreak upon a marriage.  We believed we were on the right track after meeting with the ministry’s director, but that door has closed as well because we were being asked to facilitate two separate groups (one for men and one for women). We believe we are called to work with couples as a couple, and while working in separate groups may have been a good thing—we don’t believe it is what we are called to do. Good things are the enemy of the best things.

 These closing doors and the events from the last several months feel like the end of my vision of serving full-time in a ministry vocation. It all feels like the unfulfilled curtain call of an unfinished production. It seems like the death of my dream.

 When you are derailed from the path toward your dream, it sends you reeling. That kind of change can be devastating and leave you questioning EVERYTHING in your life. Refocusing can be difficult and can leave you vulnerable to relapse.

 Here’s where I’m tested—has it all been a lie? I will overcome… by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. Doing so means pulling close to the things that really matter—my Father, my wife and kids, my accountability partners and mentors. It means pushing away from avenues of temptation.

 It’s so cliché… “When God closes a door, He always opens a window.” But when you are in the midst of watching life make a train wreck of your dreams and there is suddenly a silver lining, you can’t help but let out a bit of a nervous laugh as you come to the realization that, yes, God is still on His throne and He does care about what you are experiencing and He does have a plan… even though it may not be your plan. He thought your plan was a good plan, but it wasn’t the best plan and He needed to get it out of the way so He could move ahead with HIS plan for your life.

 So… His plan? I’m going to be working in a different school district next year. I’ll be teaching at the high school my oldest son attends. It’s an opportunity of a theatre teacher’s lifetime to enter into an excellent program and work in a brand new facility. Two weeks ago I would have never imagined it as a possibility with all the cuts being made in education, but within that shorts span of time I applied, interviewed, was offered and accepted the position. It will be the first time that I get to start my teaching experience at a school as a completely healthy person coming in. The bonus is that it cuts my daily commute by 80 miles. On top of the saving on fuel costs, it’s going to be a bigger salary than what I’m getting now.

 So I feel a little better about the train wreck of my dreams. I survived. I am now on to bigger and better things. I’m climbing through the window to His dreams for me.

 And in the process, I have managed to avoid a full-blown relapse. There have been struggles, but they have been contained to the battlefield of my mind. To borrow from all the craziness of Charlie Sheen over the last few months, “I am winning.” Unlike Mr. Sheen however, I know my victory comes from Someone other than myself and my own efforts. My victory comes from the One who is strong in the midst of my weakness.

 Thanks, Abba.

Healing takes time.

It seems like it’s been so long. Like I’ve never really known a life without the sobriety and restoration that guide my life.

But, healing takes time.

I think coming clean about the worst part of who you are leads to a lot more honesty in the little things. I think that honesty is sometimes challenging to the people around you… to those you love the most.

I just don’t feel the need to hide anymore.

I used to do whatever I could to keep my wife at arm’s length because then I could live my secret life and have my secret rendezvous with my addiction. I could keep everyone out with my sleight of hand… “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain…”

But those days are over, even though I do sometimes find myself trying to live by those old habits.

It’s hard to take nearly twenty years of insincere communication and relationship habits and transform them into something life-giving and meaningful.

But that’s what I have to do… and sometimes it hurts me and those I love.

I just hope this doesn’t take another twenty years.

Sexual Addiction and Homosexuality, part 5: sin as an identity

I talked a little bit about our identity in Christ, but there are concepts in this discussion of sexual addiction and same-sex attraction that have to do with SIN as an identity (as opposed to our identity in Christ).

I don’t believe it’s a sin to struggle with something or to be tempted by something. Struggle and temptation are a part of who we are and always will be in this flesh. Before Christ, we have an identity of sin… our unbelief puts us at odds with God and we are unable to resist sin because without Christ, we don’t possess the power to overcome it.

I don’t believe struggling with same-sex attraction is a sin in and of itself. And I don’t believe struggling with that makes you a second-class citizen of the faith community. If you have surrendered your heart to Jesus Christ, then you are a child of God… no question.

The struggle and its outcome can be distilled into a seemingly simple dichotomy (though nothing is ever that simple). From what are you drawing your identity? Is your perception of who you are shaped by your reaction and internal processing of your behaviors, feelings, and other influences or is it shaped by a truth you did not invent? I’m going to quote directly from a piece of correspondence I sent to the man with whom I’ve been having this discussion: “I don’t know where you are in your spiritual journey… whether this struggle in your life has kept you from coming to a place of total surrender or not. I could see though that this struggle and the church’s attitude toward it might make a person doubt whether he could ever experience salvation and deliverance. We can immerse ourselves in religion, but never truly come to a place of surrender. I’m not saying you haven’t come to that place because I don’t know you well enough and you haven’t articulated whether you have or haven’t, I’m just making the observation that I could certainly understand how this particular struggle might make someone feel ostracized, holding the community of faith at arm’s length for fear of what might happen if people find out about the struggle.”

We most often see sin as something we do… an action. but in Matthew 5, I believe Jesus clearly establishes sin as an identity, telling us if our eye or hand causes us to sin, we must cut it out or off.

“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.  And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30)

 Jesus knows our heart… our identity… causes us to sin, and in order to be saved, we must have it replaced by a heart that beats for God.

Replacing our sin identity with an identity in Christ solves the eternal consequences of our sinfulness, but does not resolve our fleshly struggles… as anyone who is a Christ-follower can bear witness.

I believe someone who struggles with same-sex attraction can be a healthy Christ-follower as well as anyone else, if they live a life committed to celibacy and service for the Kingdom. Sex apart from marriage is unacceptable to God whether it is opposite or same. It’s no different than an unmarried heterosexual Christ-follower who has made the same commitment to celibacy and service. I don’t think it is so much about becoming something you’re not as much as it is about being obedient to Christ in the midst of your struggle, regardless what your struggle is.

Sexual Addiction and Homosexuality, part 4: our identity in Christ

The double bind scenario I mentioned in part 3 of this series of posts creates a sense of hopelessness and a resignation to the seemingly endless struggle. For me it was a crisis of identity… who do I seem to be (based on my perception and a variety of influences helping me shape that perception) conflicting with who do I desire to be (based on my internal compass guided by a truth I did not invent). In a situation like that, you desperately search for some glimmer of hope, some indication that freedom (a transformation from who I seem to be into who I desire to be) is possible… you hang onto a shred of that possibility for all your worth because the alternative would send you into a tailspin toward catastrophe.

 For someone struggling with same-sex attraction, the beacon of hope comes in the person of Dennis Jernigan. You can see what Dennis is all about at www.dennisjernigan.com , but I would specifically direct you to http://www.dennisjernigan.com/how-to-minister-to-someone-who-struggles-with-same-sex-attraction so you could get the story on what he’s been through.

 The truth is, only God knows the intricacies of the struggle you may be facing. But I firmly believe that if ONE person can do something (for example, remain a virgin until married) then we are ALL capable of
accomplishing it as well. So just as I believe that anyone trapped in the noose of sexual addiction can find healing and restoration just as I have, I believe that anyone struggling with same-sex attraction can find healing and restoration just as Dennis has.

What that means for you is that there is HOPE, regardless of how you FEEL.

Now, you could argue that Dennis is either denying his true nature as a homosexual, or that he is lying about the healing, restoration, and freedom from that lifestyle.  Someone could argue the same about me… But what if he’s not? What if he has truly experienced a healing and a transformation that is just as much a mystery as the reason why you struggle with these feelings in the first place.

In my own life, I had pretty much reached the point that I was resigned to the growing chasm between who I desired to be (a Christ-follower) and who I seemed to be (a sex addict). I loved Jesus with all my heart, but I could not free myself from the noose of addiction. When I was born-again in 1991, I received the Comforter, the Holy Spirit… but the coping skills and defaults of my flesh remained unchanged. The symptoms of my addiction remained because I had not addressed the core and the cause. For eighteen years I struggled, but that did not change the reality that I was an adopted, redeemed child of God. But, I was not drawing my identity from who God said I was (HIS child), but from who I said I was (a sex addict… actually, I didn’t even define myself as such, but I did define myself by the behavior I could not control- it just had no name for me at that time).

Before October of 2009, I could not have imagined my life as it is now… free from all the behaviors and compulsions that used to RULE it on a daily basis. I believe that despite the captivity in which you find yourself, there is FREEDOM in Jesus… in the identity you receive as an adopted, redeemed child of God. How to get from where you are to that freedom is a mystery as well.

What does that mystery look like in your situation? I don’t have the answer… but I’m certainly willing to walk with you through the discovery.

Sexual Addiction and Homosexuality, part 3: hurting in the “double bind”

Some might ask, “Why discuss these issues together and draw correlations between sexual addiction and same-sex attraction? What’s the point?”

 I believe the two are more closely related than we might realize. As I’ve engaged in the discussion, it seems we are seeking the same things and encountering the same obstacles. As a heterosexual male who was caught in the unrelenting grasp of sexual addiction, I can tell you there were many times I struggled the idea that this was who I was, how I was made to function, and there was no escape from the behaviors that seemed to me to be both self-preserving and self-destroying.

 My circumstance were what is called a double bind… it’s a lose/lose situation. You can read more about how we find ourselves trapped in these double bind circumstances at http://www.genesisprocess.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=17:addictions-the-churches-role-in-the-healing-process-michael-dye&catid=8:churches-role&Itemid=8

 I believe many in the homosexual community find themselves in the same situation. I have read testimony after testimony of the struggle and heartache of those who find themselves captives to a lifestyle they didn’t choose. “I’m made this way” is the self-preserving rationale that helps to reconcile behavior that is unwanted with the perceived fact that it is seemingly uncontrollable.

 So, I’m not a scientist and I’m not a licensed counselor, I’m just a guy who has had these experiences and is drawing from my experiences and the experiences of others… which brings us again to the WHY?

 Because people are hurting… and if I can provide answers or comfort or new directions that might bring them to a place of healing and restoration in their life, then I believe that’s what I need to be open to doing. Please understand that what I’m sharing comes from my personal experiences and what I believe scripture says, and you are certainly welcome to question and you should seek out verification on your own.  In fact I would recommend it… don’t just take my word for it.

Sexual Addiction and Homosexuality, part 2: intimacy issues

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to candidly discuss the circumstances that are related to dysfunction in the most personal areas of your life.  I applaud those who have that courage to step out and take the risk to disclose personal struggles. The man with whom I’ve been having this conversation is a part of the church culture as well, and I’m certain it’s been difficult for him to find people with whom he could discuss his struggles. Getting beyond the surface with these issues is difficult because they are perceived as issues of character and morality rather than issues surrounding our spiritual identity. I’ll get into that in the next post…

I believe at the core, the story of one who struggles with same-sex attraction and the story of one who struggles with sexual addiction are about the same thing… intimacy.

Research tells us that a significant number of boys experience their first sexual exploration with other boys. That experience is less about attraction and more about curiosity. Cultural influences offer conflicting perspectives on intimacy and sexuality, and as a result, we confuse issues of intimacy and sexuality and find ourselves uncertain of our sexual identity and its role in our search for intimacy.

I don’t pretend to know, however, all the ins and outs of the same-sex struggle. I know what the Bible says about homosexuality, but it is no different than any other sin… we all believe a lie at some point and we miss the mark. Any sexual activity (hetero or homo) outside of marriage is unacceptable to God because the sexual union between a covenanted man and woman is a reflection of one component of God’s character and person. An adulterous relationship is as unacceptable to Him as a sexual relationship between individuals of the same sex. Both are a perversion of God’s intended purpose for human sexuality… there are no degrees when it comes to sin.

For the individual who wants help sorting out same-sex attraction and get some answers that may help in resolving the internal conflict, Exodus International is a ministry that has been focused on helping people cope with and leave behind the homosexual lifestyle for over 35 years. Their website is http://exodusinternational.org/ . If you struggle with same-sex attraction and haven’t explored this ministry, I’m certain it could be a very helpful resource for you. They even have a listing of local ministries across the country that you could contact…

God created us for intimacy… intimacy with Him, intimacy with others… and it is one of the chief areas where the enemy attacks us, and he uses a wide variety of assaults. What works against me, may not work against you, and vice versa.

I don’t know who might read this… I don’t have to know your story and everything you’ve experienced to know that if you are struggling in these areas, you are hurting and searching for answers. I hope what I’ve shared may give you some comfort or help. Please feel free to ask questions or share your thoughts as you work through what you experience. Even though we struggle in different areas of our sexuality, we can still be accountable to one another and lift each other up in prayer.

Sexual Addiction and Homosexuality, part 1: leveling the playing field

I’ve recently been having a dialogue with a man who struggles with same-sex attraction.  Our discussion has brought some ideas to the forefront for me about the similarities between his struggle and my struggle with sexual addiction.

What I’ve shared, and what I edit and present here are my thoughts based on my perception and experience with God’s Word. These thoughts are specifically from a Biblical world view. If you don’t possess a Biblical world view, it’s quite possible that you will: misinterpret what’s being said; disagree with what’s being said; or, be offended by what’s being said. I know topics of this nature can sometimes incite incredible passions in those of us who are personally invested in them, so I hope anyone who responds would be willing to maintain a civil tone and still express themselves passionately. I’m an equal opportunity offender… I’m probably going to make people on both sides of the issue angry.

I understand the hostility that exists between the church and the homosexual community.  I’ve been a part of the church culture in America since 1991. I’ve seen it firsthand.  For some reason, the church has elevated homosexuality to some “unpardonable sin” status. I believe that the root of that perception is fear, based on misunderstanding, and I also believe that perception is not Biblical. I’m going to call it out as it is and say that I believe that the church is at fault for this hostility… I believe we are not responding like Jesus would respond to those who have embraced this lifestyle.

 Sin is a word that has been complicated by many in the church community, but is essentially a very simple concept. Sin is missing the mark. It is a failure to reach a standard that has been set, and according to Scripture, we ALL has sinned…  As the Scriptures say, “No one is righteous— not even one. No one is truly wise; no one is seeking God. All have turned away; all have become useless. No one does good, not a single one.” (Romans 3:10-12)

It’s an even playing field, and we ALL start out on the team that is playing opposite of God. We ALL start out having no desire for God. We ALL start out having lost our way. We ALL have missed the standard set by God.

 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,  or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.  Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.  (1 Corintians 6:9-11)

 According to this scripture, homosexuality is no different than stealing or cheating. Sin is sin. Missing the mark is missing the mark. There is no “by that much.” It is all outside of the boundaries of the intended target.

The content of this discussion will play out over several posts, but this first one levels the playing field…

The cannibal in all of us…

How do you use people in your life to feed yourself?

This is going to be a difficult one to talk about, but I feel I need to be transparent about this…

Because so many of my issues come from a poor concept of my self worth, I spent many years of my life feeding on others without regard for their feelings or needs. I was a cannibal of the soul and I was not discriminatory in my choice of victims.

It’s hard to face your own predatory nature… to be honest about how you have manipulated and used those around you to feed your feelings of worth to the extent that you truly victimized them in some way.

We all have a cannibal inside us that feeds on others in some way… If we don’t become aware of it and acknowledge the hunger it feeds, we are destined to remain predators and continue to victimize the very ones who may need our support.

To preface what I’m about to say, I want to be clear that I have never had a sexual relationship with one of my students. But some of the relationships I’ve allowed myself to be involved in as a teacher have been inappropriate nonetheless.

The cannibal inside of me was not a pretty beast at all, and for years, it fed on the innocent admiration of young women. I have siphoned off an endless supply of ego-boosting flattery and longing glances from a variety of emotionally inapproporiate relationships and lingering touches to sexual release from the  physically inappropriate relationships with young adult women. All to feed my emaciated self-worth.

During the past year, I have had to stare that beast in the face… call it by name… and plan for its death.

About a month ago, I was able to do something I had never been able to do during the course of my addiction.

A young lady had begun to linger a bit too long in my classroom. She had joined an afterschool class I teach and had been positioning her chair close to my desk. There were times she would just move in too close to me. In the middle of my addiction I would have relished this kind of attention… now, it just made me uncomfortable.

I finally had to take this young lady aside and ask her to step back from me. I explained that what was happening was inappropriate, and that because I cared for her I needed her to move back from me so we could resume a relationship that was acceptable for teacher and student.

It sickens me to say that in the midst of my addiction, I would have victimized her emotionally to feed my self-worth. I wouldn’t have thought at all about her need to find a caring, appropriate adult who could point her in the right direction in this life. I would have used her for as long and to whatever extent pushed the boundaries of inappropriateness, just this side of what is legal and would cost me my job.

Who would want to face that side of themselves?

The cannibal in me is dyng a slow death as I bring my perception of relationships under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

What do you know about the cannibal in you?

In Anticipation of 2011: What comes next? Part 2…

When we’re ready to reach out and help others, what will that look like? I don’t know that I can tell you what it will look like for you… though, I do know it will be designed for the specific skills and talents you possess.

For me, those opportunities look like this:

My wife and I have met with the director of our church’s counseling ministry, The Healing Place. We’re making ourselves available to counsel other couples who are experiencing difficulties within their marriage (not just those affected by sexual addiction). We’re also coordinating with them to create a marriage support group that would give couples a place to go to work through the more challenging aspects of a marriage relationship.

In September, my wife and I were able to reconnect with the wonderful man who served as our pastor in Wichita in 1991. David married us in August of that year and a few years later he moved to Texas. Now that we live in the Dallas area, we looked him up and arranged to meet him for lunch. I shared with him what a tremendous influence he had been in my early Christian life. I also shared about the struggles I’d been able to overcome (and continue to diligently guard against on a daily basis). He serves as an Associate Pastor and asked me to come speak to a group of men he meets with on a weekly basis… They were reading through Stephen Arterburn’s The Secrets Men Keep: How Men Make Life and Love Tougher Than It Has To Be, and would be addressing the chapter on pornography in January. So, a couple of weeks ago I had my first opportunity to address a group of men about my experiences with addiction, recovery and restoration. It seemed like one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.  I hope to have more of these kinds of opportunities.

The most significant opportunity I believe God is opening up before me (really, opening up before my wife and family as well), is the chance to serve as an Associate Pastor at one of the campuses at our church. We moved to Texas because of this church. After applying for (and not getting) a position at this campus, we moved here from Arkansas because we couldn’t get rid of the feeling that this is where we belonged. Had I been offered the position back in 2009, I believe it would have ended in disaster. I needed to get well… I needed to find that healing and restoration. Last month, the position of Associate Pastor came open on that campus and I submitted my application. We believe this is the opportunity for which God has been preparing us these last two decades. I’m sure there’s a great deal more I could say about this opportunity, but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself here.

So that’s how 2011 is shaping up as “The Year after the Year I Got My Life Back.”

No… I’m not changing the name of the blog.

 

In Anticipation of 2011: What comes next? Part 1…

This entry began as a means to share some of the positive circumstances that are now beginning to build on the foundation that has been laid during this last year… “The Year I Got My Life Back.” I started off asking the question, “What’s next…” but it seems as though there were a few preliminary thoughts that needed to be explored before I got to the discussion of these positive circumstances. I guess I’ll start that exploration with what follows:

Now that I have come through the year I got my life back, what’s next?  Is 2011 the year of opportunity?  Is it the year that things fall into place?

What things?

Well, all the “things” that have been waiting for me to experience restoration and true freedom… opportunities I could have never surrendered to in the middle of the deceptions that defined my addiction… the deceptions that defined my life. As a captive to my own compulsions, I could have never offered help to anyone else. I couldn’t even help myself.

So, is this the year that moves me into a future of serving others through the experiences of my own deepest pains and failures? Does it make me sound crazy to say, “I hope so?”

I believe that is the destiny for us all, really… to take our worst pains, failures, and weaknesses and turn them into resources for others who are coming into them for the first time (or the 1000^th time). We have a choice in facing the worst of ourselves. We can become bitter and place the blame all around us… our parents, our spouse, our boss, our co-workers… they are all to blame for the failures that seemed to have destroyed our lives. “If only” this or “if only” that. Or, we can take responsibility for the choices we’ve made, run damage control by discovering how to make new choices, and become truly repentant in working toward restoration within the relationships that have been destroyed.

The bitter and blame game may seem to make us feel better as we move the culpability off of ourselves and onto others, but we’ll soon find ourselves at addictions door once more because that game perpetuates the pain that drove us to medicate in the first place. It feels like a place of power because it seems like we are taking control as we assign blame and preside as judge and jury over those we’ve determined to be at fault. We administer the sentence in our anger and emotional distance, but we don’t get healed and we don’t find a place of restoration. We just find a new reason to justify the destructive choices that are laying our life to waste. In this scenario, we wrap ourselves in the victim mentality and our addiction.

Taking responsibility is harder. It makes us more vulnerable. It seems as though it puts us more at the mercy of others because we are subject to their willingness to be merciful. We feel powerless. Fear is what keeps us from making this choice. But what we can’t see from the “before” side of making that decision is that taking responsibility for this and coming clean renders our addiction completely powerless and truly puts us in control. We aren’t responsible for others’ willingness to embrace mercy; each of us is responsible for becoming a person who embraces God’s mercy.  Healing and restoration follow.

Making the choice to take responsibility will eventually bring us to a place where we will then have to decide what to do with the experiences we’ve had. God doesn’t want to waste a single hurt we’ve experienced, because there are so many others out there who need us… They need our testimony, our hope for a life beyond the addiction. They need us to be willing to reach back in and help pull them up out of the darkness.

That’s obviously a dangerous proposition. With the appropriate framework of opportunity and accountability, however, I believe we can be there to meet the needs of those who are hurting from the same experiences that brought so much pain to our own lives.

When we are willing to do just that, I believe that the opportunities to do so will present themselves